Monthly Archives: helmikuu 2015

Bandmate Encounters of the Turd Kind


Viikko 9


Motion: THW put a ban on computer-aided match-making sites [of the musical kind]
Role: PM (prop.)
Date: Oct 19th, 2013

In this speech, I’m going to discuss all the obstacles that there are to stop members of online bandmate-finding services from finding each other and collaborating. I joined one such service a decade ago, and it has been only downhill from then on. The service has yielded zilch when it comes to musical progress. I’m trying to come up with the reasons why.

It is not difficult to write an ad for the service or answer one. The problems only begin thereafter. The service abounds in ads for high-pitched, full-fledged heavy-rock vocalists a la Myles Kennedy, who are ready to rock out like Robert Plant. Talent shows seek out exactly the same kind of people. Ads for other kinds of musicians are fewer and farther in between. If you’re trolling for an accordion player, chances are that he is already playing in the ranks of the Eläkeläiset or is Kimmo Pohjola.

The first thing that you do not have in common with the fellow advertiser is your rendez-vous. Most likely (s)he will want to remain in his or her ”home studio” and send you a half-finished demo outtake that you are supposed to fill in by what you are expert at, say, the bass guitar, or Fairlight synthesizer. You are then supposed to send the unfinished demo back with your contribution on it, so that you two never meet. Whether the demo goes anywhere is another matter entirely. You were collaborating, from work station to work station. You are a link in the global value-adding music-producing chain.

The second thing that you do not have in common with that other musician is time. Probably your mate on the other end of the modem line is busy working full-time, so that (s)he doesn’t make music even as a hobby but rather as a dream. (S)he decided that (s)he was going to make it by the time (s)he got to be 50, so (s)he still has to try, even every now and then or just once in a while. However, other preferences and preoccupations come first. Work, children, wife, relatives… All are relatively more meaningful than making music with some expendable outsiders. After all, stardom is only a matter of attitude and negotiation, so there is all the time in the world to get there.

The third thing that you do not have in common with the other bloke is that your tastes do not jell together. That other bloke is always one, two or three steps ahead of you in musical taste, because he borrows, buys and listens to music more than you do. There is always some obscure progressive-aggressive rock band out there, whose musical ideas he likes better than yours, whose latest record was better than the demo/record you never made and whose management of success has always been better than the success you never managed to achieve together.

Even though there is technically nothing wrong with musical match-making services of this kind, socially they only manage to attract exactly the kind of people who are utterly deluded and inhibited from meaningful social interaction and musical success of a discernible kind. One can keep coming to a service like that like a bullied youth keeps coming to the yard at recess, hoping to make friends.

If one wants to make it in music, there are two other options. One is talent shows of the prevalent sort, as shown on the TV. They lead to either humiliation or praise, but at least only little time gets wasted. The other option is to do it the old-fashioned way.

Puheen kesto: 4 min 50 sek
Arvio: * * *. Puhe lähtee ennalta arvaamattomaan suuntaan, jos sen ottaa kirjaimellisesti otsikon mukaan ilman hakasulkeita. Tällöin muiden naamoille nousee närkästys, jos heidän täytyy peesata ensimmäistä puhujaa eivätkä he tee muistiinpanoillaan mitään. Omassa aiheessaan pysymällä puhe on kriittinen, kärkäs ja ytimekäs. Puhe on hauska. Jos siihen lisää sanat ”tämä on satiiria” paikka paikoin, niin se tulee oikein hyvin ymmärretyksi.


Club Med as Opposed to Club Dem


Viikko 8


Motion: THB that democracy can/should be defined again in the 21st century
Role: PM (govt.)
Date: Oct 20th, 2013

Tourism and Democracy

Dear Assemblage, the Chair, Ladies and Gentlemen,
in my speech, I’m going to speak for some unorthodox methods for defining the level of democracy in the world. Usually democracy is defined through the indexes of the UN, OPEC, WB, Harvard or some such institution. Just as there was a McDonalds Index of this or that, my goal is to prove that tourism is a reliable means for saying how much of a democracy a given country is. So let’s start off.

France and England lead as the destinations of global tourism. Everybody has been to or thinks that London and Paris are great [desti]nations to go to. Accidentally, France and England are also prime examples of democratically ruled nations. Republic policies, lest we forget, coalesced into being in France. Today still Frenchmen’s democratic traditions correlate favourably with their touristic appeal. Wealthy Russians, in particular and on the other hand, like to flee to London to enjoy the kind of freedom of the press, religion, sexuality and speech that they do not enjoy at home. Arabs from the Middle East come to London for the same reasons, also to buy real estate, being flush with cash at the same time.

Tourism seems to love some countries for 4 reasons that I’m going to enumerate in the next bit. Let me also tick off some places that do not conform to my rule. Bangkok and the rest of Thailand is popular, but ruled by a military regime. Japan is a democracy, but it is more favoured by business tripsters. Cuba is a Socialist dictatorship, but draws increasingly people from abroad, many of them left-wingers and therefore in favour of such a destination. But these are exceptions that are supposed to confirm the rule of thumb.

The Four Things that democratic resorts and destinations have in common are Comfort, History, Technology and Tolerance. Namely, people go where they can comfortably keep tabs on the rest of the world, without being judged or spat on, while finding artifacts, monuments and things worth seeing at the same time. North Korea is not a touristic hot spot, and you would find it lacking in all of those four compartments: comfort, history, technology and tolerance.

All of this certainly has to do with the general openness that a country exhibits. Tourism enters the picture after a nation has come to terms with its past, its civil wars, its limits for other kind of growth and self-esteem among other nations. Internal contemplation and consummation leads to external, international curiosity.

Now I’d like some questions from you, so be so kind…..

To summarise, my speech was about how tourism has established itself as an index of the level of democracy a nation enjoys. In my speech, I mentioned a) two prime destinations (Paris and London), b) three notable exceptions and c) four reasons why tourism should have acquired this kind of exalted status among things that define a nation, republic, weal, happiness and so on. My speech will be followed by other like-minded speakers from our side. Thank you.


Puheen kesto: 5 min 5 sek
Arvio: * * * *. Puheessa on hyvää svengiä ja yritystä. Siihen jää sopivasti tilaa kyssäreille. Siinä on selkeä rakenne tai luuranko. Se ei tyhjennä aihettaan mutta aloittaa nasevasti.

Finns onto a Forward Form


Viikko 7


Motion: THB that Finns would be better citizens if they turned outward and thus forward into the Future
Role: PM (prop.)

Finns are extremely familiarised people. They stick to those they know at all costs. Everything remains ok up to a certain point. After that, difficulties ensue. Being so much time together becomes too much. The harmony between a married couple ends up in nagging, arguments, public shout-outs and homicides in the dark of night. Children get washed up in the same slipstream. Everybody dies. Alcoholic Finns, who have known each other for ages, may fall out over a few twenty-euro bills or a drink, winding up dismembering bodies. All of this, because people spend too much time with overfamiliar but wrong people. Intimacy gives a motive for homicide. The proximity to a gun gives a method for homicide. If there is no knife, a wieldy gun as a family heirloom is a probable murder weapon with ammo from the store. A Finn will talk into h** cellphone in a public space, loudly, and always to someone (s)he would know. Bills stack up, the volume increases and the carcinogenic powers of the phone get the upper hand. With strangers, Finns talk tolerable amounts of time at a time.

Finns could be xenophiliac people. They could be willing to socialise with strangers. Finns treat strangers in diplomacy. Strangers incur both better and worse treatment, but the former should prevail and be emphasised. Strangers boast a possibility/an opportunity. Both David Bowie and Neljä ruusua (4R during their 1996/7 conquest of the world) have written a song called Loving the Alien. The lovely (aliens) widen our world views with their own views. Strangers may lend money to you, while those you know most certainly would not do that. To strangers, you’re a stranger too, not a familiar acquaintance. Mutual estrangement is the glue that binds together. It can grow into something else affirmative than familiarity. As strangers are likely to have different genes than you and your familiars, strangers pose the prospect of a good companion/partner to you. Nobody thinks this is strange, except I of course. And now you, too, as I have indicated this thing. So that you know.

The reason why Finns are xenophobic is embedded in our genome. We are descendants to the kind of people who benefited from evicting others from their stamping grounds. Hostility to strangers paid off and got soaked up into genetic hereditarity. We can give up this genetic tendency in a changed environment, where the opposite would give out a more handsome dividend.

Puheen kesto: 3 min 3 sek
Arvio: * *. Puhe on lyhyt ja rasittava. Puhe on koostettu leikkaa-liimaa-menetelmällä käännetystä alkutekstistä, ja se kyllä näkyy. Välillä ollaan syvällä metsässä aivan hukassa. Lopussa kaivetaan darvinistinen syy, mikä on aina uskottavaa mutta usein vähän arvattavaa. Selkeä floppi, mutta myönteisessä hengessä loppuva.

Norwegian Leather Industry


Viikko 6


Motion: THB that circumcision should be allowed for those who seek it [optional: if basic rights are guaranteed to those involved]
Role: PM (govt.)

Circumcisions? I would say that the subject is handled with typical Finnish political seesawing and tug-of-war brinkmanship. Consider this question of circumcision or allowing that on Arabic, African or Jewish children a slide control. One extreme would be to not allow them and their parents even into the country because of this issue. The other extreme is provision of Finnish health-care service to the families, fully, so that their circumcisions would be carried out with the full, precise craftsmanship of the Finnish health-care system. Which option would be better?

In Finland, the govt. is so timid and loves brinkmanship so much that it has refused to cater to the Muslim/Jewish population in this issue. It hasn’t either used it as grounds for the eviction and barring of such-minded people. The latter would be the stand that True Finns stand for and propagate and promote, at least amongst themselves. I don’t think they would want to see even one slit clit or dick in Finnish swimming-halls, spas and elsewhere. It does not make a difference whether those circumcised are boys or girls; from our perspective it is a barbaric and unnecessary thing that any quarter’s religion dictates based on age-old, antiquated principles. The religions are to blame, of course, but how to treat people who hold these beliefs; how to adapt to their views?

I believe that either solution would work: the only detrimental way is to let the ongoing situation go on. It would be okay to have ignorant foreigners mutilate their offspring, if that is their wish. I would take testimonies from the whole family and the kid as well. If they were unanimous, I would grant licence to perform a circumcision under general anaesthetic and proper, razor-sharp hygienic tools. However, if the kid refused or one key relative/mother/father told no, I would order an injunction against circumcision. A medical checkup three (or two, or one) year(s) later could determine if those people had violated this condition and if so, this could be grounds for returning them back to their country of origin.

We have to remember that ”in Rome, do as the Romans do”, but there it gets problematic, for Romans were more barbaric and superstitious than we are today. The old saying has nonetheless lots to say, and we can and should reconciliate the needs and pressures of both ancient religions and the modern ”health religion”. Circumcision is not all lunacy, evil and uncool. Many Nobel-prize winners walk around dangling their deliberately damaged dicks. If a good, intellectual, rewarded, awarded life can result in spite of that, let it bloom.

Puheen kesto: 3 min 25 sek
Arvio: * * ½. Tässä on tulenarka aihe, jota pitää vähän sulatella. Mitä tahansa sanookin, se helposti ymmärretään väärin tai käännetään puhujaa vastaan. Etnisten serkkujen asioihin ei saisi puuttua kuin ei varsinaistenkaan serkkujen. Loppu on provokatiivinen, hauskakin, mutta sitä ei voi sanoa missä tahansa seurassa.