Bandmate Encounters of the Turd Kind


Viikko 9


Motion: THW put a ban on computer-aided match-making sites [of the musical kind]
Role: PM (prop.)
Date: Oct 19th, 2013

In this speech, I’m going to discuss all the obstacles that there are to stop members of online bandmate-finding services from finding each other and collaborating. I joined one such service a decade ago, and it has been only downhill from then on. The service has yielded zilch when it comes to musical progress. I’m trying to come up with the reasons why.

It is not difficult to write an ad for the service or answer one. The problems only begin thereafter. The service abounds in ads for high-pitched, full-fledged heavy-rock vocalists a la Myles Kennedy, who are ready to rock out like Robert Plant. Talent shows seek out exactly the same kind of people. Ads for other kinds of musicians are fewer and farther in between. If you’re trolling for an accordion player, chances are that he is already playing in the ranks of the Eläkeläiset or is Kimmo Pohjola.

The first thing that you do not have in common with the fellow advertiser is your rendez-vous. Most likely (s)he will want to remain in his or her ”home studio” and send you a half-finished demo outtake that you are supposed to fill in by what you are expert at, say, the bass guitar, or Fairlight synthesizer. You are then supposed to send the unfinished demo back with your contribution on it, so that you two never meet. Whether the demo goes anywhere is another matter entirely. You were collaborating, from work station to work station. You are a link in the global value-adding music-producing chain.

The second thing that you do not have in common with that other musician is time. Probably your mate on the other end of the modem line is busy working full-time, so that (s)he doesn’t make music even as a hobby but rather as a dream. (S)he decided that (s)he was going to make it by the time (s)he got to be 50, so (s)he still has to try, even every now and then or just once in a while. However, other preferences and preoccupations come first. Work, children, wife, relatives… All are relatively more meaningful than making music with some expendable outsiders. After all, stardom is only a matter of attitude and negotiation, so there is all the time in the world to get there.

The third thing that you do not have in common with the other bloke is that your tastes do not jell together. That other bloke is always one, two or three steps ahead of you in musical taste, because he borrows, buys and listens to music more than you do. There is always some obscure progressive-aggressive rock band out there, whose musical ideas he likes better than yours, whose latest record was better than the demo/record you never made and whose management of success has always been better than the success you never managed to achieve together.

Even though there is technically nothing wrong with musical match-making services of this kind, socially they only manage to attract exactly the kind of people who are utterly deluded and inhibited from meaningful social interaction and musical success of a discernible kind. One can keep coming to a service like that like a bullied youth keeps coming to the yard at recess, hoping to make friends.

If one wants to make it in music, there are two other options. One is talent shows of the prevalent sort, as shown on the TV. They lead to either humiliation or praise, but at least only little time gets wasted. The other option is to do it the old-fashioned way.

Puheen kesto: 4 min 50 sek
Arvio: * * *. Puhe lähtee ennalta arvaamattomaan suuntaan, jos sen ottaa kirjaimellisesti otsikon mukaan ilman hakasulkeita. Tällöin muiden naamoille nousee närkästys, jos heidän täytyy peesata ensimmäistä puhujaa eivätkä he tee muistiinpanoillaan mitään. Omassa aiheessaan pysymällä puhe on kriittinen, kärkäs ja ytimekäs. Puhe on hauska. Jos siihen lisää sanat ”tämä on satiiria” paikka paikoin, niin se tulee oikein hyvin ymmärretyksi.



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