Motion: THB that too much money is spent on alcoholism prevention and cure
Role: MP (govt.)
Date: Mar 30th, 2016
Millions upon millions of euros are spent on fighting alcoholism every year around the globe and in this country. Most of this is sissified. It is an industry in its own right, and it benefits people that are former alcoholics, or devout Christians, or victims of parental alcohol abuse (children of a said family) or academics and academic literature on the subject that funds and fuels whole schools, departments and strings of seminars on social work. It is all futile. Curing alcoholism is easy. You can do it in 7 easy steps.
1) Drink all the booze that you have in the house. You have to feel good the morning after. You can’t feel amnesiac, drained, dying, nauseous or ready to vomit. If this happens, repeat this step as many times as you have to and buy a new round of booze into the house. Hide it in the nooks, crannies and lockers and drawers. Cherish the repurchasing process. Drink all of the newly bought booze during one binge-drinking evening and night. One day this step succeeds. You wake up feeling beatific, blissful, different, exhilarated, meditative, maybe maudlin and close to tears. That is the goal. Seize the moment.
2) Spend the hungover day the best you can. Spend it on entertainment if that’s the best solution. Spend it on work if you need to lay your hands on something. Have a stabilizer, a stabilizing drink (a ’repair kit’, as it is sometimes called). You can’t buy it in a bottle or a can anymore as you have drunk all the booze in the house and you can’t buy anything home, but you can go to the numerous establishments in your town/city and have one there. Order a full pint of beer and one shot. That’s enough; not too little, not too much. It will take the edge off your hangover. After that you’re free.
3) Stop drinking. Repeat this for a very very very long time. Don’t falter.
4) After you’ve ceased drinking, the topic of alcohol will surface every now and then. You may have to act as a host to your friends to whom you need to serve alcohol. In that case, buy the stuff the day before. Serve it on that day, and don’t skimp on it. Serve your guests as many rounds as they want. If there is some left after they have left, flush the stuff down the toilet. It’s not worth your time anymore. It’s immaterial. You can’t have it in your house.
5) You may notice that you crave alcohol on certain occasions. This may happen during your normal routines. On these occasions, serve yourself something that resembles the alcohol you crave. Something with carbon dioxide may do, if you were a beer addict. Something with black-currant juice may do, if you were a wine addict. Water may do, if you were a vodka addict. Allow yourself to have these replacements for a period of time, until the two separate experiences of non-alcoholic and alcoholic drinks begin to blend together in your mind. Then you know you’re onto something. Then, stop buying the replacement.
6) Another option is that you stop doing the routine which causes the craving for alcohol. Stop it. Remove it. Cease doing it. You’ll discover that this is only beneficial and you’ll gain from not doing it anymore.
7) You’re sober and you will remain that way. Cherish your sobriety. Don’t do anything rash. You have made your way through the thicket of alcoholism with a machete and you’re in a safe place. Stay in that safe place. Don’t be ashamed.
I think that this goes to prove that the illness which may be grave before it grinds to a halt, can be ground to a halt quite easily and with only bearable, mild withdrawal symptoms. You can forget about complicated 12-step programs, treatments, medications, snake-oil remedies, Acronymic Associations that convene every day for the fear of a relapse and require you to partake in the company of complete, utter strangers with whom you have nothing more in common than bad breath. They are a waste of your time, and you can do better than that.
You have only one life and you can make your spell with alcoholism just a period within it. Just like any other phase that you may have had. Long or short.
Puheen kesto: 5 min 36 sek
Arvio: * * * ½. Otin osaa viikkoa myöhemmin väittelyyn puheella, jossa yritin imitoida tätä aiemmin kirjoitettua puhetta parhaani mukaan sen verran kuin muistin siitä. Tämä myöhempi väittely käytiin lievästi erilaisella motionilla ”THW ban religious organizations from providing rehab services to drug and alcohol addicts”. Muistin vain 5 tärkeintä puheen 7 kohdasta, mutta käytin aikaa muuhun puhetta muokkaavaan ja sopeuttavaan ainekseen. Onhan luonnollista, ettei yksi puhe käy sellaisenaan (suoraan) kahteen erilaiseen motioniin, vaikka niiden aihepiiri olisi sama. Olin puheessani samoin puoleni III puhuja eli govt-MP ja minua jäljesti whip Katri. Mielestäni onnistuin erittäin hyvin väittelyn viemisessä ennalta arvaamattomaan suuntaan (mikä on roolin mukainen tehtävä), vaikka oppositiossa oltiinkin ehkä vähän ky****ntyneitä formaalisesta deduktiivisuudesta poikkeamiseen.